H e a r t S o n s & H e a r t D a u g h t e r s of A l l e n G i n s b e r g
N a p a l m H e a l t h S p a : R e p o r t 2 0 1 4 : A r c h i v e s E d i t i o n
What Happened To The Women Of Country Valley?
I loved the women of Country Valley.
And I know what happened to them.
At least I think I do.
I was a youth back then,
jonesing for a corgi,
and my thoughts of love were long, long thoughts.
At least that’s what I think I thought.
It happened when I was on the Merry-Go-Round.
It was an apple-green evening in Country Valley.
There was Susan, gray and faithful handmaiden,
and Miss Cornelia walking briskly along,
and Anne of Green Gables with goo all over —
a gusty group of daffodils on the old, mellow lawn.
They wore shiny space dresses gathered at the ankles
by elastic cuffs which extended over red glowing boots.
On their arms were large silver gauntlets
with flared arm coverings
extending halfway up their forearms.
I was the one they hypnotized.
I looked up and found myself
in a magical spell-weaving place:
the women of Country Valley
had let a highly excited, disobedient boy
loose upon their spaceship.
I don’t need hypnosis to recall this.
Memory erasing methods don’t work on me anyway.
Their spaceship looked like the most beautiful Legos,
Legos too beautiful to be made by humans.
It was decorated with fancy menstrual cup pouches
made of antique brocade fabric from Japan.
Miss Cornelia turned to me with a smile and said,
“Can you believe this is just an old RV
that became a Lego spaceship in our minds?”
Then I had the weirdest thought:
“Wouldn’t it be something
if the Fonz suddenly appeared?”
The Fonz could yell at Potsie
from the comfort of his spaceship
floating high above the earth!
Then the spaceship lands on the roof of SCTV,
leaves some cabbages, and takes off again!
Come on, who wouldn’t want to spend
alien Christmas with the Fonz
on a spaceship hiding behind the Hale-Bopp comet?
Maybe then all the mysteries would be solved,
like how come that "Footloose" dude
never actually cut loose?
Then something bad happened:
a horde of evil monsters that looked like Flipper
rampaged down the peaceful mountains
led by evil Uncle Unicorn
who had the frightful ability to deliver swift flying kicks.
Anne of Green Gables got kicked first
and I cried, “Damn you with all the speed of the red bruchetta
that Geddy Lee's mother gave him!”
I swear to god, if I was Jesus,
I would have killed that unicorn everytime he directed
an episode of “The A-Team.”
All I would’ve needed was Anna-Nicole’s dead body,
many sixes of Genesee Cream Ale
and a Bard College sweatshirt from the college bookstore.
But then the Fonz really did appear
with his army of anthropomorphic ducks
who fight aliens with hockey gadgets
in t-shirts that say “Milwaukee To Bronze The Fonz!”
It was the highest level of mutancy
that someone as sensitive as Fonz could achieve.
How potent was the Fonz in combat?
No god in the world could’ve beat the Fonz.
I'm in Seattle right now, in a youth hostel,
sitting in a room crying.
The Army doesn't want anyone
to know what really happened.
Why must the Fonz
continue to be denied any type of fame?
Since nothing will be done about this
at the government level
I guess we really will have to
defend the Fonz ourselves.
I don’t live in Country Valley anymore.
I live in Silicon Valley.
Um, no I don’t; I live in Florida.
Okay, I live behind Emu Mountain.
But I still love the women of Country Valley.
I think I always will.
At least that’s what I think I think.
[Originally published in NHS 2008, http://www.poetspath.com/napalm/nhs08/Sharon_Mesmer.htm.]