H e a r t S o n s & H e a r t D a u g h t e r s of A l l e n G i n s b e r g

N a p a l m H e a l t h S p a : R e p o r t 2 0 1 4 : A r c h i v e s E d i t i o n

KEVIN HAYS

September 11, 2001

I followed after you plunging over the ledge wanting to bring you

back alive if I could, a quest that proved futile when I found no flesh & blood

in the dark, my hands still groping thru the void refusing to give up even

though I heard the bells echo death. . . I inhabited that empty space & breathed

it in knowing you had passed so far beyond my reach no action I could ever

take would restore your body to me & I would never be able to resurrect you

thriving in the physical world we had left behind us, the physical world I did

not want to live in without you, so I pitched my tent in a territory defined

only by the term bleak zero. . . burning with loss, I continued my search &

rescue operation looking for you beneath the tons of wreckage that had come

soon as I heard the fatal news explosion potent to rock me with its shock

waves driving me over the ledge, a search & rescue operation all common

sense taught me doomed to fail, a search & rescue operation I needed to

mount even though I knew it would never allow me to recover you. . .

exhausted by my own futile effort repeated over & over again more

times than I could count, so many times I found it difficult to remember ever

having done anything else, so many times it seemed as if the span of my life

should already have been filled beginning to end, exhausted I collapsed into

deep sleep praying with my last thought I would at last be graced with

oblivion, if not permanent, at least temporary. . . as I slept, my dream returned

me to the past when you were alive & we were still together, a summer

afternoon we spent at a picnic in the park wandering off alone to stand by the

side of the river watching the sun shed its glory all across the water creating an

incandescent mirror to feed our eyes & minds flooding us with tenderness we

could only express in a silent embrace, our hearts pumping to the rhythm of an

ecstasy so sweet no words could express the love we knew. . . this love

still existed & burned inside me scorching my flesh until I woke up ignited by

a dream my memory had painted so well I opened my eyes expecting I would

find myself inside that day once more, but I saw the endless night surrounding

me instead, still expecting I could reach out & touch you in the dark, a

connection more than able to ignite that ancient summer day so it could rise

again, an expectation that crumbled to dust when my hands could discover

nothing but empty air, a discovery that drove my lingering dream away &

reminded me of the fatal news explosion I had been enticed to forget, an

enticement that left me with fresh wounds to suffer. . .

I cried, but my tears could not extinguish the fire of love that had

been resurrected deep inside me, a resurrection that surged hotter & brighter

despite the night that had so long submerged me, despite the death that had

swallowed you, the death I had no choice other than to face recognizing I

could never defeat your killer & free your body from the tomb he had

sentenced it to inhabit forever. . . left there standing alone in the void with

nothing but my own tears for company, I thought about death & I thought

about love & gradually, the two thoughts combined to create revelation: love

still thrived even after the apocalypse of flesh & could redeem the void that

had caged me, the void I had become. . . in the wake of this revelation, light

gradually began to grow born to end the endless night that had enmeshed me

gracing my eyes with the illumination I needed so I could climb up out of

that pit & return to the physical world I had left behind, a climb I made quite

easily because I carried the sweet weight of love bringing back its redemptive

knowledge with me, the knowledge that the invisible muscle of love would

always prove stronger than death connecting the dance of my body intimate

to the dance of your soul, a connection that no doubt will survive the moment

when death comes to devour the mortal part of me, a connection that no

doubt will lead me to find you by the side of the river upon that eternal

summer day, a connection we celebrate when we join together in a silent

embrace, two souls merging in a rhythm of ecstasy only the language of

heaven can describe, a language composed of incandescent words & motions

expressing deep love forever & ever in the presence of angels. . .

[Originally published in NHS 2002, http://www.poetspath.com/napalm/nhs02/hayes.html.]