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N a p a l m   H e a l t h   S p a :   R e p o r t   2 0 1 4 :   A r c h i v e s   E d i t i o n






Fool the Bears


One way to protect your camp from bears

is to take the piss bottle you keep in the tent to piss in

so you don’t catch a chill going outside

in below-freezing temps  

and empty it each day on trees nearby

so that eventually your tent is surrounded by

a circle of your urine—but when you pour it on the trees

pour it as high as you can reach

while walking in a circle around the tree so the tree

is circled with your piss scent from 8 feet up

to where the trunk goes into the ground.  Why?

That way the bear will think the creature that pissed

must have a penis over 8 feet off the ground

and depart post-haste thinking a monster lives there.   



[Originally published in NHS 2011, http://www.poetspath.com/napalm/nhs11/.]