N a p a l m H e a l t h S p a : R e p o r t 2 0 0 6

JEFF PONIEWAZ

Point of No Return at Noah's Ark

"Point of No Return" TV commercial

between the News and the Weather

touts "a skyscraper among waterslides,"

the new attraction at Noah's Ark

water park in Wisconsin Dells.

Wisconsin Dells on the Wisconsin

River, a gorgeous spot that cried out

to be the only National Park

in the state John Muir grew up in

but was turned into a tourist trap

full of Indian kitsch souvenir shops.

The local Indians' weekly ceremonial,

along with "duck boat" rides through

the gorgeous gorges in World War II

amphibious landing craft, attracted

tourists in the '50s. But Indian

traditionals dancing in rocky outdoor

theater have since been replaced

by non-traditional Indian casino

and Noah's Ark waterpark. Yes,

Noah's Ark is in Wisconsin Dells,

not on Mount Ararat. And the dove

better watch out because an army

of NRA members has pressured the

DNR to allow a dove hunting season.

The "Point of No Return" commercial

camera's fastened to the head

of a slider whose bare feet frame

the fast descent down the waterslide

ending in a huge splash that looks

mighty good during a humid heatwave

reported by the cherubic weatherman

just after the avuncular anchor reported

Bush Jr.'s denial of Global Warming.

"Point of No Return" at Noah's Ark

looks like fun in commercial that touts

"Ten stories up, five seconds down."

8/2/01